Well.......guess I have to follow my own advice. *DRAMA WARNING*

"themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles" (themanwithsauce) 01/20/2016 at 23:34 • Filed to: None

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WARNING - PERSONAL DRAMA .

Seriously - this is gonna be a long and pointless ride for like 90% of you.

Still there? Okay. Here goes.

Usually when people post sappy personal drama on here I try to help. Often it ends with me joining the voices screaming “seek therapy” when they devolve too far into depression and what have you. Well I finally had my “breakup” with a girl I had been seeing for over a year now and I’m pretty well wrecked by it after fighting several months of anxiety issues and trust issues stemming from our move to an “open relationship” that promptly devolved into her not following the rules and her getting jealous that a friend of hers went up to me the day after her declaring us “open” going “Oh? Open relationship? Sooooooooo you can finally take me out to dinner, right?”. There’s a million more pages to it than that, and I’m telling it from my own perspective but yeah, it sucked. Hard.

So for the handful of you who noticed I haven’t been active as much......here ya go. Personal shit on personal shit on personal shit. Hell, I left the iGP league to work on our relationship and she couldn’t commit to a single date night a week. Countering with “Well we see each other weekly anyways so why bother?”, The little things that eat away at a person.....

I already called a counselor and have an appointment scheduled for monday. THankfully I’m 95% sure I don’t have brain chemistry maladies like depression or ADHD. Just feeling like shit and I think processing this alone won’t end well. Weirdly enough it’s in my “other” relationships (I guess I have 2 girlfriends besides the one I broke up with but she was far and away my primary. Still, her friend and I are still dating after 4 months so......yay?) where I’m finding support. Aaaaaaaaaaand I was 100% sure I was monogamous before this all went down so that’s like 10 different layers of WTF is going on in my life.....

But I am just tired.

So. Damn. Tired.

When you live in constant fear of a single word leading to a fight you just never get to relax around someone.

Life lesson kids - communication is key. I FINALLY got her to admit she wasn’t honest with what she wanted and she FINALLY got me to say I couldn’t take her being poly/open because of the disrespect. It wasn’t a pretty talk. Two people at their worst never is.

But the worst part of it all is the hindsight. So far no less than 8 of *our* friends came up to me and said “She bullied you into all that. You know that, right? You took a fair amount of abuse with a smile on your face so we didn’t say anything....” and I DO know how much of it was unfair. But at the same time there are certain things we loved doing together. Actually when we were able to focus in certain areas it was good. I would NOT call it love, but it was good. So part of me wants to give this some time and salvage something and another part of me is screaming to run away.......yay.

Bleh. This is getting preachy and I have a bottle of scotch to finish. Alright, I’m going to share one final point and I’m going to drop this like 10 tons of truth on all your asses.

You have to love yourself before you can love another. And loving yourself or another does not mean unconditional and total love. You can dislike a part of yourself but accept it as you and love yourself despite, or perhaps in spite of, what you perceive as a flaw. Only then can you love another because you have to GIVE love to GET love. If you do not love yourself and have something to give then you will never be able to share. And I speak from brutal experience when I say that a love that is one way is unstable. It cannot last. But the worst is when two people who love themselves and each other pick away at this love. When both descend into self-hate. It results in two people being consumed and their love disappearing.

Alright. Enough from me. Off my soap box now and pouring another glass.

Post can-am cars for support, please. Gonna be here a while.

CB > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 01/20/2016 at 23:37

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I have nothing to add other than that sucks, bro, and I hope that the bullshit feelings pass reasonably quickly.

Big Bubba Ray > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 01/20/2016 at 23:45

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I don’t have much to offer and I wish I could help you out more. BUT. If part of you is saying “run away,” just do it. I had to cut off a relationship with a girl because I was feeling the “run away” shit as well. I loved this girl. She was so much fun and we got along unbelievably well but at the same time, something just wasn’t right and that would manifest itself at some point had we continued any type of relationship.

Good luck to you man. I can’t imagine being in the position you’re in but I know you’ll come out ok.

bob and john > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 01/20/2016 at 23:45

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shit happens.

get involved with the new girl and try to ignore the old one. delete her on FB, from phone, w/e needs to be done.

best way to move on is to cut out and forget. now tht your dating a different girl, focus your energies on her.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > CB 01/20/2016 at 23:46

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Thanks. I hope they will. My head hurts.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > bob and john 01/20/2016 at 23:49

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I don’t want to hate her. But I basically drew up my lines and told her I wanted to talk to the counselor a bit before we made anything more than small talk again since we run in similar friend circles.

I feel like a neutral third party is the easy/safe way out.

As for other girl? Personally......I can’t see myself being as close with her as I could the other. Which made it work. We go on a ufn little date every now and again. BS some time away via text at work. I share more with her than just any oldfriend but.......eh. I think I might need a clean break from it all. Still not sure if this multipel relationships thing is my game.

Thankfully I still have the bike.

E92M3 > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 01/20/2016 at 23:49

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themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Big Bubba Ray 01/20/2016 at 23:50

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THanks. We have the same groups of friends so naturally we’re going to keep seeing each other a lot (including the people she essentially cheated on me with) so total avoidance is impossible. But like I told Peter, I made it clear to her I wanted some time with a counselor before we made anything more than polite small talk, if at all.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > E92M3 01/20/2016 at 23:51

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that is not a can am car.

This is a can am car.

Rico > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 01/20/2016 at 23:52

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Well there’s the problem, you had two girlfriends. I can barely handle my 1 one monogamous relationship let alone 2 open relationships.

My advice on this is, if you aren’t being serious and monogamous with someone then you are single and that person is also single. I don’t care if you been messing with her for 6 months or 6 years if there’s no title there are no rules technically. I know in the movies shit like this works but IRL it really doesn’t and ends up becoming a headache as you’ve experienced first hand.

Be single, date around but don’t get serious with someone if you don’t want to be monogamous. Never, ever let someone else in your relationship to be open, that just means they want to fuck other people without guilt.

Don’t feel down since you still have the other girl just pursue her and only her if you want to get serious with her. If not just tell her you want to be single single, not just single .

bob and john > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 01/20/2016 at 23:54

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i wouldnt even make small talk. she abused you and used you. that shit dont sit right with me. dont be a dick about it or anything. but i just flat out wouldnt talk to her.

oh sure: if you come across each other at a mutual friends house and she asks hey how are you?
good.

leave it at that. dont be rude about it. but just try not to get into any long conversations with her. i know it seems hard and brutal. its not easy at the start (i would know) but you got to do it.

ask your closest buddies to hang out with you at other times without her and what not.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Rico 01/20/2016 at 23:59

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Personally, I don’t agree with your analysis. We were boyfriend and girlfriend. We presented as such to family and friends. We had rules that said we needed to meet other partners and that one night stands were not allowed (yay STDs.....). And actually, she followed those rules. But there were little things I asked of her to help me transition into it that she ignored or “forgot”. My personal favorite was how often she’d go “Well I would check in but my phone is dying” to which I’d point out she should get a phone charger if she sleeps over at other houses and pointing that out got me in trouble......*grumble*.

Bleh. I’m negative. But hopeful. I guess.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > bob and john 01/21/2016 at 00:00

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Ah, yeah, that’s what I mean. Like if there’s a group discussion I won’t run away just cause she participates but I’m not going to 1 on 1 her at a party or meetup or something.

Rico > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 01/21/2016 at 00:06

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Seriously not trying to pile on but how could you introduce her to people as your girlfriend but she was allowed to go home with any guy she felt like? Yeah I know one night stands weren’t “allowed” but the point still stands. I’m just saying I never believed in this open relationship stuff because of the drama that would obviously ensue.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Rico 01/21/2016 at 00:18

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Because she wasn’t. Nor was I. ANd that wasn’t what caused it. Honestly, I viewed it as a way to get to know more than one partner in a deep manner. I’m not just out there banging girls and doing burnouts. I honestly do care about the people I am with.

I think you are confusing sex for intimacy. It’s not really like that.

gmporschenut also a fan of hondas > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 01/21/2016 at 00:22

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yikes

here’s a lola, and mystery car with massive tires.

gmctavish needs more space > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 01/21/2016 at 01:46

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I don’t have anything to add other than to affirm your bolded text. For a situation that messy, you’re getting your thoughts together pretty damn well. I wish you luck, but it seems like you’re gonna do fine so you probably won’t need it.

No Can Am cars on hand, so here’s some bodykit-less Countach action

Galileo Humpkins (aka MC Clap Yo Handz) > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 01/21/2016 at 01:46

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First and foremost, I hope the therapy (call it what you will) helps. I’ve been in your shoes (different situation but same general feels) and at times when I knew I’ve needed it, it’s helped me.

Now, not being sarcastic or snarky, I have to ask...

You stated, “she FINALLY got me to say I couldn’t take her being poly/open” however you previously stated, “I guess I have 2 girlfriends besides the one I broke up with but she was far and away my primary.” So were you were unhappy with the idea of an open relationship in general or was it just the way this particular ‘primary’ girl was handling it? Based on your previous comment about being monogamous I’d say you really liked this primary girl and you were trying to live a lifestyle that maybe doesn’t suit you personally. Just my two cents, feel free to ignore. Either way, it fucking sucks and I hope it turns around for you.

pip bip - choose Corrour > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 01/21/2016 at 02:30

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time to go out and get absolutely hammered.

John > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 01/21/2016 at 09:26

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While I have no experience that exactly mirrors yours, and this advice may not help you at all, but it has been what has carried me through MANY bad relationship breakups and disasters and every other thing.

Here it goes, the first thing is a piece of advice my mother gave me. She got the advice from my grandfathers mother (which makes this her absolute legacy, I don’t think she ever made a good choice or gave good advice ever again or before). It was what made my mother decide to divorce my father.

If you can live without them, do it. If they can live without you, let them.

Just let it sink in and think about it. Its very true, sad, but true.

The next thing is something that I figured out on my own. Dont treat a failed relationship as a failure or a waste, think of it as an education. Learn what you did wrong and what you did right and what you could do better next time, or new things to look out for.

yamahog > Rico 01/21/2016 at 16:34

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Open relationships do not automatically entail drama any more than other relationships already do. It’s not for everyone, but neither is monogamy. Nothing inherently wrong with either.

yamahog > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 01/21/2016 at 16:35

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Have you read Opening Up or The Ethical Slut? Really helpful stuff if you haven't.

Rico > yamahog 01/21/2016 at 16:44

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I disagree. I just believe being single, dating, and being in a relationship are 3 separate things not to be combined into one. If you are fucking other men then to me you are not my girl and I am also not your man so my input on your sex life (feelings or otherwise) are moot. If we are monogamous then we are monogamous, none of this okay you can date any guy you want but no sex/no 1 night stands nonsense. If we are DATING in the sense that we go on dates but you and I also go on dates with other people then that is okay too, you are in the courtship phase but it should be clear what the situation is.

But I’ll be damned if I will introduce some girl as my girlfriend to people meanwhile she is sleeping with whoever she wants, that to me does not make sense even if she tells me “You can fuck whoever you want” that still doesn’t make it even or right. My opinion as wrong as it might sound is if you want to have sex with multiple partners being single is the right option. If you want to only be with and have sex with one person be monogamous. If there is girl you are just going out on dates with that doesn’t automatically make her your GF unless it’s been made clear that this has gone from dating to a relationship.

yamahog > Rico 01/21/2016 at 17:11

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That’s your opinion, which is fine, and if it works for you, great! It’s not a universal truth though. Just like no one should tell you to that you need to have an open relationship, it’s not really our place to tell any other consenting adults what to do with theirs, or to make blanket statements about them that aren’t necessarily true. Some people just don’t find sexual exclusivity is necessary for a relationship.

Rico > yamahog 01/21/2016 at 18:31

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I mean once people are consenting then everything is on the table so definitely agree there. I would like to know what is your personal opinion on your own dating/relationships to see how much it differs from mine. I'm open to different perspectives even though I strongly believe in what I wrote above which I also think is pretty fair.

yamahog > Rico 01/21/2016 at 21:48

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I appreciate your open mind, no pun intended :) personally I’ve had both open and exclusive relationships. Some of the biggest communication issues I’ve ever had were in an exclusive relationship, but it’s not like being open automatically grants one +10 communication skill points. Either way, relationships do take work and a lot depends on the individuals involved.